It's a boy!
by xAtropos
Summary: Edward has a fetish? Bella has an even stranger baby name than Renesmee? Read to find out. No longer a one-shot. Parodies of favorite and least favorite moments in Breaking Dawn, or just random scenes.
1. Fetish?

**A/N: I own nothing, and trust me, at this point I don't really want to.**

I awoke resting on top of Edward's marble chest. Thoughts of our night of passion, of which I can't tell you any details because my creator is a Mormon, filled my mind. I absentmindedly let my fingers roam around his cool skin. I looked up into his face, and was shocked at what I saw. He was furious.

I touched his face, exposing some of the bruises that I had yet to even notice, and his expression darkened further, if that were possible. "What's wrong, Edward?"

Through clenched teeth, he hissed, "How badly are you hurt Bella? And please, don't lie for me."

I looked at him, puzzled. I had no idea what he was talking about. He cautiously outstretched his arm and let his hand hover over a purple bruise on my upper arm. It was a perfect match.

"Oh," I mouthed. I looked down at myself and saw that there were bruises in the shape of Edward's hands running along my ribs as well. "They're fine," I assured him. I really could feel nothing; I simply bruised easily.

He pinched the bridge of his nose as he calmed himself. "That's not even the most atrocious part of all of this mess," he fiercely whispered. He twisted and leaned over, groping for something on the bedside table. His arm fell in a beam of sunlight as he did so; his homosexual sparkles were dazzling.

He placed the tiny mirror in front of me, and then raised it so that I was looking at my reflection. I gasped. I finally saw what he was so furious about; there, on my left cheek, was a giant purple and blue bruise, deeper in color where his knuckles would have been.

"Edward," I began questioningly. "Did you… _backhand_ me last night?"

He looked down, shame now coloring his murderously angry face. I was in shock; I had no idea why he would do this!

Seemingly reading my mind, he roared, "I don't know why, Bella! I, I, I just couldn't control myself; I didn't mean to pimp slap you! You just looked so sexy with all the feathers surrounding you!"

I didn't know which worried me more. The fact that I had, for once since I'd known him, caused him to stutter, the fact that Edward actually just said the phrase "pimp slap", or the fact that Edward thought I looked sexy with feathers all over me.

I looked down, and indeed discovered that I was coated in white feathers. I looked like Big Bird.

"Why am I covered in feathers?" I asked.

"I bit a pillow. Or two," he answered.

"You… bit a pillow? _Why?_" I questioned.

"So I could smother you in them," he replied, his voice now laced with the tiniest hint of lust. "You look so appealing in feathers."

I couldn't help it; I burst out laughing. This had to be a joke, right?

"Edward, you aren't saying you have some sort of… feather fetish, are you?"

He gave me a hard glance. "There is nothing even remotely funny about that. I find feathers to be extremely arousing."

This statement made me laugh louder. I could feel the tears beginning to prick at the corner of my eyes. He carefully rolled on top of me, putting none of his weight on the bruises left all over my body, and stared into my eyes with a serious expression. My breath hitched in my throat, and my laughter stopped as I stared wide eyed. He leaned down to kiss me hard on the mouth. My hands moved to lock behind his neck, playing with the short hairs there. His tongue slowly traced my bottom lip, teasing me. I gasped, and my mouth opened the tiniest bit. I hadn't realized how badly I had needed to breathe. Edward trailed his icy lips down along my jaw and throat, moving to whisper in my ear as his hands slid down my sensitive sides. I let out a small, involuntary moan. His breath tickled my ear. "Yes," he whispered. "Moan for me, Bella. I want you to squawk like a beautiful chicken."

_WHAT?!_

My body shot up from the bed, my hands shaking and coated in a layer of cool sweat. _Thank God_, I thought, knowing that it had all been a very awkward dream and that my husband wasn't really a freak.

And then I saw it. As gracefully as a piece of paper floating on a breeze, a single feather drifted down from my hair and landed in a pile of white fluff in my lap.

I froze, eyes wide as saucers, lungs and heart shutting off for a fraction of a second.

I inhaled, and then…

"EDWARD! Why am I covered in feathers?" I screeched.


	2. Jaspermett Charlisle

**A/N: I own nothing. I'm just here to make fun of things.**

The flat, metal surface I was sprawled across was cool against my heated, sweating flesh as I thrashed. The light glared brilliantly in my eyes, and I could see nothing except for the dark silhouettes of my magnificent Edward and Jacob, my very best friend in the whole world who I tortured frequently, as they worked in a panicked frenzy to save my baby. My mouth was full of my own blood. I gulped, trying to clear my throat of the thick, crimson substance.

With a sickening snap, I felt more of the ribs crack as my sweet, little daughter struggled to free herself from the death trap of a womb. I began to fret. She couldn't breathe; she was going to die!

I screamed at Edward to hurry and save her, to save my beautiful Renesmee, and another fountain of blood erupted from my mouth. I could hear Edward and Rosalie arguing over letting the morphine spread before rescuing my daughter. I agreed with Rosalie; I didn't care how much it hurt me (being the absolutely selfless person that I was). I just wanted my sweet baby alive and well.

What happened next was a blur. I saw Rose move toward my swollen stomach, and then Jacob was attacking her, kicking her across the room. Edward shouted for Alice to remove Rosalie from the room. I was grateful for this; she had tried to cut me before the morphine had really even begun to spread!

I realized that I was no longer breathing, and I wondered for how long I had been holding my breath. Drowsily – the morphine was starting to affect me – I heard Edward mention CPR, and then Jacob was hovering over me, pressing his warm lips to my blood-coated ones as he breathed for me. Despite the excruciating pain I was now in, a small part of me was coherent enough to realize that I should thank him.

I squirmed beneath them as my sweet, angel baby kicked against my spine in an effort to escape, and then with a very audible crack, I could no longer feel anything. My legs fell limply to the table.

"Get it out of her! She won't feel anything now!" I heard Jacob snarl.

It was such an odd experience, the feeling of not being fully there. I could tell, slightly, what was happening as Edward slid the scalpel across my stomach, and then pressed his face against my bulging belly to pierce the hard, vampire skin there with his beautiful teeth, but I could feel none of this. I could faintly hear my uneven heart beat as Jacob leaned down, blowing more air into my lungs. I could feel myself starting to slip away from consciousness.

"You stay with me now, Bella!" I heard someone shout. I focused my thoughts, trying to avoid the blackness that threatened to envelop me.

There was no sensation in the lower half of my body, but I could sense when my Renesmee was no longer suffering inside of me. My heart raced in anticipation to see her. Using all the strength I could muster, I cracked open the lids of my eyes. My lashes were caked with blood.

I looked up at the brilliant lights above me, blinking fiercely as I tried to adjust to the intensity of the burning bulbs. Then, I shifted my gaze to the left.

Edward held her away from him, his glorious arms extended slightly as he looked at her, taking her in for the first time. I noticed that his seraphic face was one of utter shock. My breathing became quick and shallow, panicked. Was something wrong with my sweet, little miracle? Another river of blood spurted from my mouth as I asked, "What's wrong?" It sounded like a gurgled demand.

Edward stood still for a moment in absolutely surprise as I continued to bleed to death on the cold table. I waited anxiously for his velvet voice to reply, my increased heart rate causing more dark red liquid to spew from me.

"It's… a boy," Edward said, mystified. I was so very perplexed. I had been positive that my baby was a girl, a little Renesmee Carlie Cullen. I was wrong. I felt a fierce stab of disappointment in that moment when I realized that I had a son instead of a daughter; I wondered if this was the sharp sting of letdown that the readers of Breaking Dawn had experienced...

I quickly recovered from my moment of shock the second I saw my son. In his large, pale hands, Edward held a beautiful, bouncing boy with a mop of curly, bronze hair and bright, chocolate brown eyes. He turned his head and smiled at me with love, his little dimples showing in his plump, pink cheeks. I smiled back, blood seeping through my teeth. Jacob leaned down to breathe for me again.

Quietly, almost reverently, Edward breathed out our child's name. "Jaspermett Charlisle," he whispered in awe as he hugged the baby close to him.

"Jas…spermett… Charlisle. So… beautiful," I whispered adoringly as Edward placed him gently in my arms. I cradled my sweet little boy to my chest. Edward smiled down at me, ignoring the rivers of red that flowed across my body. I shifted Jaspermett Charlisle slightly, so that his head was resting on my shoulder.

Then I gasped in pain. Jaspermett Charlisle had sunk his perfect set of teeth deeply into my neck, piercing the artery there. With another enormous spurt of blood, a screen of blackness fell over my eyes. I could hear Jacob and Edward as they rushed to save me. They sounded far away, as if their distressed shouting was merely a whisper. Everything was slowly becoming more distant. I could find no reality to hold to as my life seeped from me.

The blackness overtook me just as a slow, raging fire began to burn me from the inside out.


	3. Author's note: Sorry

Hey guys

Hey guys! Sorry, this isn't a chapter (and I know nobody likes these things), but I just wanted to clear up a few things.

1)"Thats Fake and you know it. I've read the book. I know how it goes. That's not right. I admit it's close, but not word perfect.  
If you're going to spoil it at least do it right. :("

First of all, for anyone who doesn't know: this is a parody, meaning that I'm just making fun of the original plot in the story. In fact, if you look up the definition of parody, it says, "a humorous or satirical imitation of a serious piece of literature or writing." I'm not trying to actually spoil the book for anyone. The only reason that I put a spoiler warning was because it did mention things that actually happened in Breaking Dawn, and I didn't want to ruin it for anyone that hadn't read it yet.

2) I do not actually hate Breaking Dawn. I'll admit I was a bit disappointed in the plot, but overall, I didn't think it was too horrible. I do, however, enjoy making fun of some of the ridiculous (or just hilarious) parts. I'm still a fan of the books, and these parodies aren't meant to bash BD. I just have way too much fun writing them.

3) Thank you, thank you, _thank you_ to all of you awesome guys who reviewed this, or put it on your favorites or alert lists. You seriously make my day. :D

4) School just started up for me, on top of the fact that I'm working on original stories, and I'm just a slow writer in general. That being said, I wouldn't expect to see new posts from me very often. I do plan on writing some more of these (because I just love writing them), but don't plan on there being a new chapter every other day. You should definitely still put this story on your alert list, though! :)

If you actually read all of that, I will give you a cookie… via internet, of course.

xAtropos


	4. Unexpected Problem

**A/N: Again, thanks to everyone who reviewed. If I didn't suffer from chronic laziness, I would put all of your names here. Anyway, you guys are awesome. Oh, and a warning, there's some language in this (it _is_ rated T, though), so if that bugs you, here's your heads up.  
**

**Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie, blah blah blah, you get the idea.**

--

Bella walked out into the warm summer night with only a towel wrapped around her. She had just finished taking a shower, which is, of course, the only sensible thing to do before taking a dip in the ocean. Edward, who had been staring up at the moon, sensed her presence as she approached the water. He kept gazing at the sky, waiting for her to join him in the salty waves. He hadn't wanted to make it awkward for her by watching her as she dropped her towel.

As he waited for the moment when she would come to stand beside him, her warmth radiating from her as she wrapped her slender arms around his torso, he let his mind wander. He desperately wanted to turn around. He pictured Bella, skin glowing faintly in the moonlight and long brown hair flowing in soft waves over her body. How her face would be adorably flushed in embarrassment, the slightest hint of red touching her cheeks. How her teeth would slowly, teasingly, drag across her full, pink bottom lip as she thought of what she was about to do.

This was the night he had awaited for more than a century, the night when he would finally be able to express his undying love to his soul mate in the most intimate way possible. He had never felt so ready for anything in his entire life.

_Where is she?_ Edward thought, anxious and irritated that it was taking so long. He noticed that he had felt no disturbance in the water, which was strange for him, since his mind could think about many different things at once. He hadn't realized just how distracted he had been by his thoughts; he was acting like an over-excited teenager.

Just then, his beautiful bride cleared her throat slightly, trying to get Edward's attention. He pivoted in the waist deep water, disappointed to see that she was holding the towel around herself. He noticed that it was falling just a bit on one side, though...

"Yes, love?" He asked, worried at her nervous expression.

"I…" she began, hesitantly. "I, um, have a bit of a problem," she finished, her mouth turning down in a grimace.

It was then that he smelled it; a particularly strong scent of freesia was being blown in his direction by the warm breeze.

Bella was bleeding.

Edward darted through the water and was standing on the warm stand by Bella in a second. "Bella, what's wrong?" He asked, beginning to panic. There couldn't be something wrong with Bella on this, the greatest night of his entire existence. Had she cut herself shaving?

Bella fidgeted, toes wiggling in the sand. She bowed her head to try to hide her blush. "I'm, uh, oh wow…" she trailed off again.

Edward was getting more and more irritated by the second. He wished, much like he had countless of times, that he could read Bella's mind. He placed a hand on each of her shoulders, noticing that she shivered slightly at the contact. The hot wind blew again, playing with strands of Bella's hair, which was still damp from her shower, and sending another waft of the scent of Bella's blood in Edward's direction.

"Love, just tell me. Are you hurt? Why are you bleeding?" He asked, very gently shaking her by the shoulders, trying to force her to look at him.

She raised her head slightly, looking up through her lashes at him. Her face was scarlet, and her bottom lip was swollen from chewing on it.

"Well," she stated, pausing uncomfortably, "I don't know how to tell you this, but I kind of… started my –" Bella abruptly stopped talking as she took in Edward's expression. She stood perfectly still, holding her breath in anticipation for what was going to happen.

Edward's golden eyes had widened to the size of saucers as he took in Bella's unfinished sentence. Shock coursed through him. His stance was tense, not a single muscle moving as he tried to process what his wife had just told him. He couldn't seem to make sense of it. His mind refused to wrap itself around the concept.

Slowly, very slowly, reality settled deep into the recesses of Edward's thoughts.

_Of course, _he thought. _The awkwardness, the blood… no._

He tried to force it out, tried to block the truth from his mind with fantasies of the greatest night of his life, but he couldn't. It was undeniable.

Edward sank mechanically, knees bending at a ninety degree angle as he fell onto the sand with a dull thud. Bella looked down at him warily, worrying about her husband and his shocked silence. Then Edward opened his mouth and screamed a word rarely used, according to the Mormon author, his voice carrying to the surrounding privately owned and ridiculous expensive islands.

"FUUUUUUCK!" He shouted, his chest heaving. His fists were clenched in anger, and his arms shook slightly. Bella had a vague mental image of Edward turning into a big, fuzzy wolf. In the distance, a faint, "Shut up!" could be heard from _Isle Britney, Bitch_.

"Well, technically, we can't do that right now, Edward!" his retarded wife chimed in, only making the situation worse by saying the dumbest thing to be said at the time, much like she did throughout the entire series.

Edward looked up at her with dead eyes, chanting a steady stream of profanities before collapsing face first in the sand.

--

**Btw, this isn't my usually way of writing. I'm kind of making fun of Stephenie's writing style with this, too. (It's so formal, which works for her, but I think it's kind of ridiculous some times.) Not my favorite chapter (although the mental image of Edward pulling a Dwayne from Little Miss Sunshine move and screaming fuck at the top of his lungs is hilarious to me). Anyway, let me know what you think. :D**

**xAtropos**

**PS- Kudos to my friend for coming up with Isle Britney, Bitch.**


	5. Sexy Party

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews, guys! I tried to reply to most of you, but sorry if I didn't. By the way, _this _is the chapter that I mention in my long author's note, so I hope you enjoy. :**

**PS- Still not Stephenie.**

--

My whole body shook as I walked next to him away from the house. My hands were trembling almost uncontrollably; I was ready for a fight. As I followed him, I contemplated all the different ways that I could kill him, knowing that he could hear every thought in my mind. Good.

Suddenly, Edward stopped, turning to face me, and I froze in my tracks. The expression he wore was one of pure agony. I saw then that his shoulders were hunched, as if the stress had physically exhausted him. His eyes were a flat black, but they were scorching with grief as he clawed at his face in anguish. This was the face of a burning man. _Literally_, I thought, noticing a few singed hairs on the top of his head. He looked up at me with his burning eyes, patting his head to put out the flame.

"It's killing her, isn't it?" I asked, already knowing the answer but wanting to torment him by making him admit to it.

His knees buckled, and he hung his head in shame as he muttered a 'yes' to the ground. This was irritating; I wanted to knock his head off, and he was making me feel bad about it by being all pathetic.

I had a thought. "Carlisle's a doctor, right? Why don't you just take it out of her?"

"She won't let us," Edward mumbled in an exhausted tone. Of course, die for the demon child. It was so _Bella_, I thought, trying to calm the readers who seemed to think that everyone was out of character in this book.

"How quickly you see," Edward groaned. "I didn't see. I didn't understand until I heard Rosalie's thoughts when we returned home, yet _you_ understand after one second. You'd think I would know my wife a little better than that, huh?"

"Wait, she won't _let _you," I stated, sarcasm dripping from my words. "She's a human! You're a vampire; just hold her down and drug her."

"I wanted to," he whispered, "But Rosalie is complicating things. She wants to keep the demon spawn, which she plans to steal from Bella once it's born, and Emmett and Esme are backing her up…." His voice faded.

"You should have left Bella with me," I said. This never would have happened if Bella had never gone to Italy to save him. There was a pause in conversation; we were both deep in thought. I was thinking about how much I hated him, and he was thinking about how much he hated himself.

"Even you, Jacob Black, can not hate me as much as I hate myself," he told me. "I'm an Emo child, you see."

"Ah, yes, I see," I muttered, taking in his all black clothing and the hair that hung over his left eye.

"Jacob, you have to do something for me," he whispered after a moment.

"The_ hell_ I do, you _flea_!" I said. Edward looked up at me in (utterly agonized) confusion.

"Um, what did you just call me?"

"A flea," I replied. Didn't he hear me the first time? I thought vampires had superhuman hearing.

He kept staring at me with that strange expression, as if I had grown a second head.

"Why a _flea_?" He asked.

"Well, I don't know. I just got sick of leech and parasite. Besides, fleas are sort of parasites, and they drink blood…. What's wrong with a little fresh vocabulary, man?" I shouted at the end.

He said nothing still. "Stop staring at me!" I yelled. "Can we get back to the topic? Didn't you have some stupid favor you wanted to ask?"

"Oh, right," Edward said. He cleared his throat and looked as the ground as he composed his face into a look of desperate anguish once more. "Jacob, I need you to do something for me," he whispered.

"Yes, you already said that. What do you want?" I asked.

"I want…" he paused for dramatic effect, sucking in a long breath before looking up at me with a fierce gaze.

"What do you want?" I repeated a bit louder, getting irritated by the suspense.

"I want you and Bella to have a sexy party," he stated, rushing the sentence. His face was entirely serious, the look of a burning man still plastered on his features (a few wisps of hair had yet again begun to catch fire, I noticed) as he said this. I choked on my own spit, my jaw falling to land somewhere near my kneecaps, my eyes bugging out of their sockets.

"…Excuse me?"

"You heard me," he replied, once again patting at the smoke in his hair. He really needed to fix that. "Bella wants a baby, and I'll do whatever it takes. So… I want you to have a sexy party with Bella."

"With your _wife_?" I asked, not believing this. He wanted me to give Bella a child. I stared at him, thinking how he'd most likely completely lost his mind at this point.

"I have," he said, answering that thought. "That's what the voices tell me, anyway."

My eyes were dry from staring for so long. I had lost the ability to blink. I could think about what he was offering. It was so wrong. So sick. Borrowing Bella for the weekends and then returning her Monday morning like a rental movie? So messed up.

So HAWT. I wondered for a moment how much it would cost me, and if she would be wearing costumes…

"No way," I said, shaking my head to clear my thoughts. "There is no way I'm doing that. She wouldn't agree to it anyway."

"She might!" He pleaded. "She might listen to you." He ran a pale hand through his bronze hair.

"Bella never listens to me." _Bella never listens to anybody_, I corrected in my mind.

"Would you just try talking to her?" He asked.

I nodded my head. "I'll try."

"Good," he stated. "In that case, about this sexy party, I'm thinking you guys should do it somewhere romantic. A penthouse suite, perhaps? Oh, and how opposed are you to me filming it?"

_Where was this crap coming from?_ I thought. Edward had lost it, completely lost it, and that was all there was to this mess. I shrugged my shoulders, giving up trying to make any sense of it. I walked off, shaking my head, as Edward's hair once again burst into flames.

--

**A/N: Like what you read (or didn't, I don't mind flames)? Have any suggestions/requests for future chapters? Leave a review and tell me! Actually, that would be a great idea, since I really have no new ideas for the moment, so it could be awhile until the next chapter gets posted otherwise.**

**xAtropos**


	6. Thoroughly Modern Eddie

**A/N: Hey, guess what guys, I'm actually still alive! Sorry for the crazy long wait, but I've been really busy with school (and also, just out of good ideas). Anyway, here is the newest (and longest) installment of _It's A Boy!_ Enjoy.**

**xAtropos**

**Update: Sorry for posting this twice, but the original one had a bunch of mistakes in it.**

--

I walked swiftly down the sidewalk with unusual grace, reminding myself to stop moving so quickly so that I would not stand out in the crowd of humans around me. Since I had become a vampire, although I'd had no trouble resisting the urge to kill humans because of my preparations before being changed, I'd had a difficult time remembering to control my movements.

It was a little past seven, and I was strolling through Port Angeles on a search for a pair of silver earrings with blue gems.

Earlier in the afternoon, Alice and I had been sitting on her large, comfortable bed talking, with Swedish techno music playing in the background. We had been laughing at a corny joke she had told, when suddenly her body went stiff. Her eyes glazed over, and her gaze was hazy – I knew that she was staring off into the future. I waited patiently for her vision to finish. When she came back to the present, a strange smile spread across her face.

"What?" I asked. "What did you see?"

She was quiet for a moment, a half-second of hesitation, before answering, "You need to go to Port Angeles."

"Why?"

Her tone was cryptic when she replied. "I have seen in your future…" She paused for dramatic effect, "a very cute pair of earrings."

She grabbed my hand, pulling me from the bed as she ran to her closet and began throwing clothes at me. Within a minute, I was fully dressed and being dragged out to my car. Alice tossed me the keys to my vehicle before opening the door for me and shoving me inside.

"Alice, I don't even know what I'm looking for," I whined, my voice like ringing bells. She told me that I was looking for a pair of dangling, silver earrings with little blue gems twisted into the design. Then she slammed the car door in my face and danced back into the house.

Three hours later, and I was still weaving in and out of department stores looking for the stupid pair of earrings. They didn't seem to be anywhere. I was starting to wonder if she hadn't just sent me here as a way to get rid of me.

Thirty minutes later, when I was so frustrated I was thinking of killing everyone around me just to let out my anger, my cell phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out, flicking it open with a bit too much force – my finger had left a slight dent in the cover.

"What do you want Alice?" I growled into the phone.

"I want you to come home," she said in her usual excited voice.

"I still haven't found your dumb earrings!" I shouted.

"Oh, I know. I bought that pair of earrings five years ago. I just needed you to get out of the house so I could set up your surprise!"

I snapped the phone shut, and then threw it with all my strength. It flipped through the air so quickly that a human wouldn't be able to tell what it was, before smashing on the pavement two blocks over.

I walked quickly to my car, my fingers aching to throw something. _Or choke someone, _I thought. I slammed my door and jammed the keys into the ignition. My body was stiff with anger the entire thirty minutes home. I sat straight up, back pressed into the seat, fingers leaving impressions on the steering wheel. I was trying very hard not to break anything in my car as I drove.

Finally, I pulled up to the Cullen mansion. I skidded into my usual parking spot in the driveway. I was out of the car and running toward the front door before the car had even come to a complete stop. I darted to the front door, throwing it open with unnecessary force.

"Mommy, you're home!" Renesmee squealed as she ran up to me for a hug. I nudged her with my foot to get her out of my way in my haste to get to Alice, sending her flying across the room into a wall. Oops.

"Aliiiiceeeee!" I screamed.

I could hear her talking quietly to Edward in our bedroom. I ran up the stairs to my room, moving so quickly that I would have seemed like a streak of color to human eyes.

I reached my bedroom door and burst into the room, fully ready to yell at Alice for the rest of eternity.

"Alice, what is your _problem_? Do you know how long I –" I froze in my tracks. My jaw dropped to the ground, sinking through the carpet and landing on Edward's piano on the first floor. My eyes felt like they were going to fall out of my head.

"What. Is. That?" I hissed in horror.

I stared at the stranger who was standing in my bedroom, looking him over from the floor up. He wore a pair of blue and white Air Force Ones on his feet. His jeans were three times his size and had a flashy gold design on them. They sat just below his butt, held there by a belt with a silver spinner on the buckle. About three or four inches of his boxers were sticking out of his pants. His black t-shirt had the face of a famous rapper airbrushed on it and was also so large it seemed to be eating him. His jacket was zipped halfway, and had a design from a popular Nickelodeon cartoon. He had three large chains around his neck and was wearing too many rings. His smile was a blinding row of metal; he was wearing grillz. There was an oversized diamond earring pierced through each lobe. I wondered how that was possible, before deciding that they must be clip-ons.

Finally, my eyes slid up to meet the golden gaze of my husband.

_No, please no,_ I thought. This was not possible. But as I shifted my eyes up, and saw the bronze hair falling across his pale forehead, there was no denying it.

Alice had dressed Edward up… like a gansta.

"Yoooooooo, Iz!" Edward called, too loudly.

"What did you just call me?" I asked, still bewildered by what I was seeing.

"Iz, you know, like Isabella."

"Alice, what the hell did you _do_?" I yelled.

"She just made me fuckin' cool, mayne," Edward answered for her, drawing out the word man and making it seem like an entirely different word.

I continued to stare down at Alice, hoping to burn holes through her with the fury in my eyes. How could she do this to my sweet, old fashioned Edward?

"Umm… surprise?" she said, like she was questioning my reaction. "I thought you might want Edward to be a bit more… modern."

"Modern? This is your idea of modern?! What did you do to my Edward?"

"Yo, Iz, I go by Eddie now. Edward just ain't cool."

"Oh, would stop calling me Iz?" I shrieked. "Edward, you look absolutely ridiculous! And as for _you_, Alice, I can't believe you sent me running all over town for a pair of earrings so you could completely destroy my husband!"

I felt like kicking someone. I wondered where Renesmee was at the moment.

Edward sighed then, and removed the grill from his mouth.

"I'm sorry, darling," he said then. "I guess I do look rather atrocious. I just wanted to surprise you."

I felt guilty then, for ruining his surprise. "Well, Edward, you certainly surprised me," I responded. He continued to take off the ridiculous costume, removing the shoes and the jewelry. "I'm sorry I ruined your fun, though."

He unzipped the jacket and shrugged it off, and then pulled the oversized t-shirt over his head, exposing his perfect chest. "I apologize for giving you such a scare, love," he said formally, seeming upset by his actions.

"It's alright, Edward," I answered as he shifted his hips, letting the jeans fall around his ankles and stepping out of the hideous things.

"Please, for my sake, leave the boxers on, at least until I get out of the room," Alice said.

Edward nodded, waiting for her to leave. As soon as she left, he took those off, revealing a pair of navy blue boxer-briefs beneath. Then he changed into a pair of straight leg jeans and a gray sweater, which was snug and showed off his muscles.

"Let us go to our cabin now, love, and read the newspaper in bed and complete crossword puzzles together," he proposed.

"What a lovely idea!" I agreed before we ran, holding hands, towards our cabin.

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**A/N: This chapter was based on a conversation I had with my fabulous friend Pam. I was talking about how sometimes Edward is so old-fashioned that he's kind of lame, and then I started thinking about how Edward would have become a bit more modern after living for so many years. The result was, of course, a parody.**

**Review and let me know what you think! I love hearing from all of you!**

**xAtropos**


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